A few years ago I found myself having a terrible day, I kept dwelling on the bad things that had happened until it got to the point where I just couldn’t take thinking about it any more. I’d recently read The Dharma Bums, which had given me my first real introduction to meditation, beyond typical stereotypes of monks in temples sitting on the ground and constantly saying ‘mmmmm’. I already knew by then that the general idea was to sit still, clear your mind of thoughts and just concentrate on your breath. So wanting to clear my mind, I decided to give it a try.
Every afternoon I went into the piney woods with my dogs, read, studied, meditated, in the warm winter southern sun, and came back and made supper for everybody at dusk.
I sat under the tree in the yard and looked up at the stars or closed my eyes to meditate and tried to quiet myself down back to my normal self.
The way it was described in the book made it sound so peaceful and relaxing that it helped me get past the stereotypes and think that it might be worth a shot. So when I finally found myself feeling like I just didn’t want to be thinking any more not too long after, I gave it a try.
I found that it helped, at least for a while, enough that the next day I decided to do another session. I have continued a daily practice since then. I was inspired to learn more about meditation and Buddhism in general, so I start reading up on them. One of the books I found most informative was Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. When I’d first started meditating I’d get frustrated with myself when I was unable to maintain my focus on my breathing and would get through my allotted meditation session time only to realize that I’d spent the entire session lost in though. After reading more about meditation, including Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, I’ve stopped being frustrated with myself for getting lost in thought, and now just hope to better maintain my focus during my next session.
I often find myself when my session time approaches thinking about other things I’d like to be doing at the time instead, then when I sit down to meditate find myself reminded why it is I do it as I relax and clear my mind, although I still struggle with thoughts popping into my head of things that I’d like to do after the session, I try to push them to the side and hopefully recall them later when I am done.
These forms are not the means of obtaining the right state of mind. To take this posture is itself to have the right state of mind. There is no need to obtain some special state of mind.
When we practice zazen our mind always follows our breathing. When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world. When we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world. The inner world is limitless, and the outer world is also limitless. We say “inner world” or “outer world,” but actually there is just one whole world. In this limitless world, our throat is like a swinging door. The air comes in and goes out like someone passing through a swinging door. If you think, “I breathe,” the “I” is extra. There is no you to say “I.” What we call “I” is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale. It just moves; that is all. When your mind is pure and calm enough to follow this movement, there is nothing: no “I,” no world, no mind nor body; just a swinging door.
I still find myself disappointed when I’m not able to maintain my focus for the entire session, but it doesn’t get to me like it used to, just taking the time to sit down and try is the only thing that you have absolute control over. Going just a day or two without sitting now makes sitting down to meditate, no matter what happens during the session, whether I am able to maintain my focus or find my mind wandering, is rewarding in itself.